To take your heart away..."
These lyrics are from the Bee Gees' song "Words," a simply beautiful ballad. First of all, my closest friends and family know that the Bee Gees has been my favorite musical group forever. Their words and music -- on more occasions than I can remember -- have taken my heart away.
When Robin Gibb died of metastatic cancer, I felt so saddened for him and his family -- and I felt the loss deeply, as I will always feel connected in some way to the Brothers Gibb.
I took Robin's death personally. Damn cancer.
Marie at Journeying Beyond Breast Cancer wrote a wonderful post about how media reports said that Robin "lost his battle" with the disease, and she pointed out that the cancer vocabulary taints how society views cancer with all the warrior/battle/victor imagery. Then AnneMarie of Chemobrain...In the Fog With A.M. From BC 2 AD created an excellent prompt for posts on what words really agitate us, irritate us, or just royally piss us off.
So, following AnneMarie's lead, here is a list of insensitive, ridiculous cancer-related and adoption-related remarks that people have said to me that launch the stupid-o-meter into space:
On Cancer:
"You're lucky: you have the best cancer" (Are there any good cancers?)
"You don't look sick." (And you don't look smart.)
"You lost weight. What are you complaining about; you have a nice figure." (Yes, it's that no-food diet, thank you very much.)
"Don't take this the wrong way, but you are luckier than all of us who aren't getting two vacation days off a month [for chemo]." (WTF?)
On Adoption:
"Your daughter looks just like you, especially the eyes." (My Caucasian self got on a plane to China in order to adopt my..uh...Chinese daughter. We look different, and [with a Stuart Smalley pause] that's okay.)
"I wonder if she misses her real mother." (Hullo. Her real mother is ME. I'm the one up late at night with a sick child; I'm the one tending to her bruises, and I'm the one she clings to in times of stress. If that's not a real mother, then I don't know what is. I'm the only mother she has known. And the last time I pinched myself, I hurt, so I must be real.)
"She's a China doll." (Correction: She is from China, not made of china, and she's not a doll.)
"I bet she was expensive" (I didn't "buy" her. And I don't go around asking people what they spent birthing their biological children).
So for those who think their insensitive remarks are only words, they might want to start actually thinking. There's no such thing as "only words" -- except in a remarkable Bee Gees song.
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| My real daughter |
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| The lion is fake. |
I'm writing a book titled Calling the Shots: Coaching Your Way Through the Medical System. Please feel free to subscribe to this blog by clicking the orange subscribe button. I am a professional writer and have published numerous academic and magazine articles, as well as an essay on my breast cancer experience in the anthology Voices of Breast Cancer by LaChance Publishing. I can be contacted at bethlgainer@gmail.com.
Beth, love this. I commented on JBBC that people told me I'd get pregnant after I adopt. I know people mean well, but it was hurtful on many levels. I love your rebuttals here. xoxo
ReplyDeleteStacey,
DeleteAs one adoptive mom to another, I totally get where you are coming from with well-meaning, but insensitive, remarks that devalue the adoption process. I will check out your comment on JBBC. Thank you for your compliments on my rebuttals.
Beth, I love this post. It just makes my head spin how people actually say these kinds of things. I can't even wrap my brain around some of them. I do love "The lion is fake." Wry, sardonic smirk at that!!
ReplyDeleteTo borrow a phrase from one of our blog sisters, you are the awesomesauce. xoxo
Kathi,
DeleteThank you for your empathy regarding the insensitive comment fiascos. I consider it such a great compliment to be called awesomesauce!!
People mean well, I think, when they make these types of insensitive comments but they just are either ignorant or insensitive or both.
Oh Beth this is a good post! People mean well, but people are also awkward, and they say stupid things. All. The. Time. Makes my head spin.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. And I'm sorry too about Robin Gibb. {{{hugs}}}
Renn, thank you for the comment and the virtual hugs. Yes, it never fails to amaze me about the stupid things people say. Yet, I do find myself often shocked, so I guess deep down inside, I want to believe people are too smart to say such nonsense.
DeleteOh Beth, I just splurted my coffee out I laughed so hard at your (silent?) responses to some of those comments - my favorite - you don't look sick - you don't look stupid! The I bet she was expensive comment literally made my jaw drop to the ground in its crassness.
ReplyDeleteMarie, yes, I thought I'd invoke some humor into this piece. After all, the comments are so ridiculous, one has to find humor in in somehow. Hopefully, you didn't splurt your coffee out on your computer screen!
DeleteYour daughter is gorgeous!! And those comments make me want to poke my eye out with a stick. Think my personal fave of those said to me during treatment was when someone sent a comment to my FB page thanking me for getting cancer as it had put her own trivial daily hassles into perspective. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Liz, for your kind words about my daughter. That FB message is absolutely ridiculous. What a heinous thing to say: to thank you for getting cancer so she can put her life into perspective. ARGHHHH
DeletePeople say these ridiculous things, yet we'd be the bad guys if we punched them. Not right. It's just not right!
ReplyDeletePunching them out is a good idea. It isn't right, I agree, to just even be present in the whirlwind of such foolishness. Thank you for your support.
DeleteBeth,
ReplyDeleteAs a cancer survivor and as a mom who adopted your sweet child, you have heard WAY more than your share of ridiculous and insensitive comments. Have you ever said any of your rebuttals out loud to the person saying such none sense?
I love how you wrote this with such a sense of humor. Guess it's the only way to go, right?
Hi Nancy,
DeleteI never said those rebuttals out loud because I was often taken aback and in shock. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and I'm often not great at a witty comeback.
And, yes, a sense of humor was the only way to cope with this. Thanks for your comment; it's always great to hear from you.
These are definitely some winning (meaning losing?) ones. They're so tragic that they're funny, actually--as are your responses. In February I had actually done a similar piece (I called it the "'You Will Never Go Broke Underestimating the Intelligence of the American Public:' Things People Say To Those With Cancer" and it's at http://wp.me/p22afJ-C4 if you want to do a compare-contrast; I found it interesting), and thought I had really covered it. But I continue to be amazed by how awkward well-meaning people can be (the one about how lucky it is to get the time off is new to me--and truly appalling!). Thanks for sharing your experiences, painful as I know they are. Candida
ReplyDeleteCandida, I checked out your posting and thought it was brilliant!! I left a comment there. I appreciate your sharing your experience with the insensitive, idiotic comments, as well. Thank you for commenting on my posting.
DeleteThese are jaw droppers FOR sure! I'm glad you jumped in. And, YOUR daughter is adorable...
ReplyDeleteAgree.... awesomesauce.... and the replies (spoken internally or not) are fantastic!!!
xoxoxo
Thank YOU for initiating this challenge. It really got my mojo up. You are an inspiration AnneMarie. And thanks for the awesome sauce reference!!
DeleteYour "thought"ful responses are hilarious. I vaguely remember a story about Winston Churchill. A lady came up to him and told him he was drunk. And he said something to the effect of "And you're ugly. But in the morning, I'll be sober."
ReplyDeleteLois, that story about Churchill is priceless!! I wish I had his gift of gab. I'm glad you saw the humor in my comments. Thank you for reading and commenting!
DeleteI love that.... Laughing out loud.. all alone.... windows open... hope the neighbors don't call to have me taken away for evaluation!
Deletexoxo
AnneMarie, I would hate for the neighbors to call someone to take you away! Laughter is good for the soul, methinks!
DeleteBeth, I love the BeeGees, too, and have done so for as long as I first heard them on the radio. My most current blog post also captures the insensitive words spoken to me. Many of the ones you shared about cancer are the same ones I heard. "Lucky" and "good" are not the right adjectives, if the clueless are reading these posts.
ReplyDeleteAnd the words spoken to you as an adoptive mother are outrageous. Indeed, there is no such thing as "only words."
The pictures of your delightful daughter are just priceless. Thanks for sharing them, and for sharing with us those less-than-helpful words. xx
Jan, thank you for your comment! We have another thing in common -- our love for the Bee Gees.
DeleteYes, the comments regarding cancer and adoptive motherhood are just the tip of the iceberg. Very shocking, really.
Thanks for the compliment about my daughter.
You're kidding!!! But those comments are so unbelievable that I'm sure they are all-too-real. I doubt I'd put my foot in my mouth over cancer these days since I've had the crash course, but there's a chance I might say something wrong about adoption without meaning to. But I would definitely never get the mother thing wrong. The only way you get to claim that title is by pure hard work, the kind you're doing for your daughter, who is adorable and looks very happy.
ReplyDeleteThank you much for your support and kind words about my daughter. I know a lot of people mean well -- although some don't -- regarding my daughter and cancer, but it doesn't help to hear such things. Thank you so much for commenting!
Delete