Well, this week, I should have taken my own advice and printed out those 10 words. This week I should have brought the words with me to my back-to-back doctor followup appointments.
But this week I allowed the dark side of my mind to take over.
I chose to allow fear to possess me. Even though the doctor's appointments went well, I had all these catastrophic thoughts and flashbacks to when I had cancer, treatments, and surgeries. In fact, my throat closed up and I found it difficult to breathe. My hands were shaking.
I was having a panic attack.
I could've used those 10 empowering words, and I wonder, why I didn't take my own advice from Re-examining the Examining Room Wait? Why did I leave my music, sketching pad, pencils, and journal at home? Why did I choose to embrace fear rather than fighting it?
I don't have the answers, really, except that I'm human.
Like any patient, I can be frail and fail to deliver on self-empowerment. The part that gets me is that I know these self-empowerment strategies work; I have used them countless times. Yet, I did not even think about using the tools I had in my toolbox.
That's worse than having no toolbox at all.
The tools for coping with doctor's appointments were in my very hands, but I let them slip away, inviting panic instead.
I have a bone scan toward the end of this week; this test will assess how much bone I am losing or gaining. The chemo and a variety of meds leached a good amount of bone over the years, so going through this test is psychological agony for me. The test is physically easy; it's the fear of bad results that is hard.
For this test, I am retooling: I am taking control by retooling to filter out the fear. I am bringing the list of 10 empowering words, as well as a variety of tools to help me cope while I wait to get the bone scan.
Readers, when has fear taken over your mind relating to a doctor's/diagnostic test appointment? How have you handled it -- the good, bad, and ugly? I would appreciate your sharing your thoughts.
This posting is an excerpt from my upcoming book, Calling the Shots: Coaching Your Way Through the Medical System. To obtain these excerpts regularly, please subscribe to this blog by clicking the orange subscribe button. I am a professional writer and have published numerous academic and magazine articles, as well as an essay on my breast cancer experience in the anthology Voices of Breast Cancer by LaChance Publishing. I can be contacted at bethlgainer@gmail.com and gainercallingtheshots@gmail.com.
