"I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood...the transformation of silence into language and action is an act of self-revelation... [M]y daughter...said '....you're never really a whole person if you remain silent.'"
-- Audre Lorde
I am finally reading Audre Lorde's The Cancer Journals. I've had it on my bookshelf for awhile, but I wasn't emotionally ready to read it -- until now. This excellent, insightful collection of writings stirred feelings in me I had long forgotten -- feelings about being silent when facing breast cancer.
As is the case for many people, diagnosis for me was a lonely time. Some close family members, who grew up in the if-you-have-a-disease-don't-talk-about-it era, had difficulty with my diagnosis. In their own way, they loved me and wanted the best for me. They meant well. But in meaning well, they made diagnosis and living with breast cancer and its horrific treatments even more sad for me.
Because they told me to be silent about my disease and treatments.
Upon my diagnosis, my one close relative told me, "Don't tell anyone about it" ("It" being breast cancer.) When I asked her why, she said, "Nobody needs to know."
So I did the only thing I could do.
I told everyone.
And I mean everyone, from the gentlemen delivering my couch (they said a prayer for me) to gas station workers to my relatives to my friends to my co-workers to complete strangers to the walls. I wasn't fishing for sympathy. Instead I was fighting to stay alive -- and fighting against silence.
I was fishing to lend voice to my experience. I was fishing for power in a crappy medical situation where I didn't have power.
I was fishing to lend voice to my experience. I was fishing for power in a crappy medical situation where I didn't have power.
You see, silence doesn't sit well with me.
To be silent about breast cancer is to feel shame for a disease that is no fault of our own. To be silent is to disempower ourselves.
To be silent about breast cancer is to feel shame for a disease that is no fault of our own. To be silent is to disempower ourselves.
I blog for too many reasons to list here, but one of the reasons is to share my story, my truths -- and ward off the demon of silence. Being quiet about breast cancer, or any disease/condition for that matter, is harmful to the psyche. But there is something about breast cancer in particular that encourages societal silence, which includes denial and blame, and this is designed to negate our feelings.
Here are just some ways people and society attempted to silence me -- and, when it comes down to it, how society attempts to silence others throughout breast cancer diagnosis and treatments, all harmful to our collective psyche. These are not listed in a particular order of importance:
1. My parents wanted to hear that I was feeling good during my treatments. So I gave them what they needed to hear and told them during each phone conversation how great life was and how great I was feeling.
2. I can't count the number of people who told me that I got the "good" cancer and was lucky.
3. So many people told me to "think positively." I once again felt marginalized and silenced.
4. Even when I complained about feeling horribly ill, people told me I looked good, thus denying my illness and harsh treatments. In fact, one person asked me how I felt, and I told her that I felt terrible. She then said, "Well, you look good, and that's what counts." WTF?
5. I was scolded by various people for being too negative about my disease.
6. Whenever people find out I'm a cancer "survivor," they say things like, "Good for you!" -- as if I had anything to do with living past this hell thus far.
7. Pinkwashing. Enough said.
8. People didn't want to hear about my fears or horrible experiences.
9. Others called me brave, courageous, strong, and heroic. Yeah, right.
10. I was told how lucky I was to get a boob job and tummy tuck when I was really going through a DIEP procedure. Here's news for all those knuckleheads who envied me: I'd gladly trade places with you.
My fellow bloggers, all extraordinary, are lending voice to breast cancer. If these individuals whom I respect and admire hadn't had the courage to blog and tell their truths, the beast known as silence might win.
And we in the blogging community can never let that happen. The price of silence is too expensive.
Did you or someone you know ever feel silenced about a disease/condition? If so, how did you and/or that person handle it?
Please feel free to share your story. The more stories, the more power we have over silence.
