Verdict: Not Guilty

I'm not guilty.

Whew, that felt good.

Since being diagnosed with breast cancer 10 years ago, I have felt the shame and blame that accompanies so many people diagnosed with this horrible disease. Our society is inundated with information that often elicits feelings of guilt among even the toughest of us.

Through some kind of overload osmosis, various information sources tell us to feel guilty for our breast cancer. You know the all-too-familiar messages of cancer being caused by not bearing children young or not bearing them at all, not eating certain fruits and vegetables, having certain lifestyle choices, yada yada yada.

The message is loud and clear, and until recently, I've been tuned into the You-Are-To-Blame-for-Your-Breast-Cancer station.

And then there's survivor's guilt.

You see, a great friend of mine died of breast cancer young; she was a lot like me and in my same age group. I will be focusing on her story and our friendship on Oct. 13. Her death shook me like nothing else.

And then survivor's guilt entered the picture.

Because she died and I lived.


Don't get me wrong: I am glad to be alive. But for the last six years since her death, I have been plagued with the question: why did she die and why did I live? 


I was not a better person than her.


I was not more proactive in my medical care.


I was not more of a cancer warrior.

I have been haunted by her death again and again. And I feel this way about people with metastatic cancer. They are good people, proactive in their health, and yet, they are unlucky enough to get a terrible cancer card from a cruel dealer. They do not deserve to suffer from and die of cancer.

Until September 12's #BCSM Twitter chat, I was locked in a prison of survivor's guilt. This chat, whose participants I respect and greatly admire, focused on the issue of guilt.  It was an emotional, intense discussion, and for me, a truly enlightening and life-changing one.

I realized, during and after this discussion, that I had no reason to feel guilty. I am alive, so far, due to luck. And luck is something I have no control over. I did nothing wrong to get breast cancer, and I did nothing right to have lived thus far. Like others diagnosed with this disease, I just did my best to live. 

And here are things we should all perhaps keep in mind:

We have no control over who lives and who dies.

Wondering why some people live and others die is futile. The answer is out of our reach.

We are not omnipotent or in total control of our universe.

We have the power to hope and the power to help others. Human kindness goes a long way.

Since the BCSM chat, I became liberated....for now. (Of course, I never really know when that guilt monster will rear its ugly head again).

Guilt has two first cousins: shame and blame. These three culprits are all interconnected. There's no longer a place in my life for guilt and its low-life relatives.

I'm writing a book titled Calling the Shots: Coaching Your Way Through the Medical System. Please feel free to subscribe to this blog by clicking the orange subscribe button. I am a professional writer and have published numerous academic and magazine articles, as well as an essay on my breast cancer experience in the anthology Voices of Breast Cancer by LaChance Publishing. I can be contacted at bethlgainer@gmail.com and gainercallingtheshots@gmail.com.

The Hoopla of National Cancer Survivors Day®

Just when the marketing of cancer feel-good gimmicks cannot get more insulting, there's National Cancer Survivors Day. Oops, I forgot to include that pesky little registered symbol.

My bad, so sad.

Once again, here is an attempt -- through a fake holiday -- to extol those who have "survived" cancer (whatever "survived" means) instead of honoring those who died from cancer or are dying from cancer.

Once again, this huge cloud of denial shrouds our very culture to the core: denial that many, many people are NOT surviving cancer. Denial that money is NOT always being funneled properly into research, but into feel-good campaigns. Denial that people with metastatic disease are NOT being honored or maybe even considered survivors.

They are forgotten. On purpose.

By society's accounts, I am a breast cancer survivor. That's how I introduce myself in social circles because it's a term that most people understand.

However, I'm not comfortable with that word, "survivor," which connotes some sort of superhero who has battled and defeated the demon known as cancer.

"Survivors" are not heroes, but our society puts us up on a pedestal -- all because we have not died from the disease...yet. Those who die from cancer are not weaker or less tenacious than those of us who "survived." Cancer can come back at any time -- and with a vengeance, no matter how hard a person tries to stay healthy. 

The problem is that on a subliminal level (or maybe not too subliminal), there's a blame game going on: those who survive did something heroic; those who don't survive just weren't tough enough.

I can tell you how I spent National Cancer Survivors Day yesterday. Irritated that such a day existed and reminded that being a "survivor" is not all it's cracked up to be. We have ongoing medical issues, as a result of harsh treatments. We are at risk for other cancers due to the very treatments designed to help us. We must deal with survivor's guilt, as most of us at least have lost someone to cancer and wonder why we survived. And the experience of having cancer is the experience of losing control of one's life.

"Survivors" can also have PTSD, some of whom must be on psychotropic medication and/or need counseling. Others may have a recurrence, thereby stripping them of "survivor" status.

Truth is, whatever the outcome, nobody affected by cancer is a hero. We are just human beings.

We don't need a Survivors Day.

We need a cure.

I am a professional writer and have published numerous academic and magazine articles, as well as an essay on my breast cancer experience in the anthology Voices of Breast Cancer by LaChance Publishing. To obtain my postings regularly, please subscribe to this blog by clicking the orange subscribe button. I can be contacted at bethlgainer@gmail.com and gainercallingtheshots@gmail.com.